Sunday, June 10, 2018

Seasons of Change

I am going back to work..

I am going to be a working, homeschooling single mom.

Bubbie is going to private school.

I am both thrilled and terrified.

I know that this is what God has for me and God is in every detail of this journey.

I  want to be that stay at home mom who spends her days doing fun things with her kids.

I don't want to send my kiddoe to school.

I know my kiddoe will benefit from being in school.

I think it will be a really good thing for me to get out and do something I am passionate about.

I go from thinking that there is no way my kids are ready to be left alone while mom works to thinking Praise God I have trained them in such a way that I can trust them to be left alone.

I am sad, to the point of mourning that so suddenly my years with young kids are over. Which happens when the majority of your kids are the same age.

I absolutely love having built in babysitters for Bubbie and Nesiah.

All the parenting books say that it is good for moms to have other interests and focuses as their kids enter the teen years and I think it is true..

I give myself permission to stop this job if I get overwhelmed.

I hope to see this job become a fulltime position and an answer to my financial worries in the next 5 years.

God has always provided for us in every way.. sometimes it is through gifts from other people, sometimes it is through a very flexible job that allows me serve children and families from hard places.

I can not believe my oldest is going into high school and my youngest into kindergarten.  Where has time gone?

I remember the days when I would go months without ever being away from my children.The seasons when attachment issues made reentry miserable, so I just never took a break.

I appreciate the days when I can run out to meet a friend for coffee and leave the kids at home, alone, to finish up school or whatever tasks they are working on.

This post is all over the place but in reality so are my emotions. This is the end of a season, a season that I dearly loved and fully enjoyed.

Sunday, March 18, 2018


Many years ago, when I had 2 foster kids ages 3-4, I got another sibling set ages 3-4. The first sibling set was available for adoption, which was so exciting for me. Then the caseworkers asked if I would be willing to consider adopting the other sibling set, should they come up for adoption. I said, no way! There was no way I could raise them, especially once they are teens. So no, I was not willing to adopt all 4.

Yet somehow, by the Grace of God, I was blessed by the adoption of all 4 kids, and now they are 12--13 yrs old and I love them dearly..

Deep down, I have always been afraid of raising teenagers. My own teen years were very turbulent. Suddenly I have 2 teens and 2 on the cusp of teendom.

I am getting a crash course on teenagers. It's not just one, but 4. When I have one figured out the other one jumps in with drama. Add in early childhood trauma, the "hard places" these kids have survived and we have interesting dynamics.

On a positive note, they are really really awesome kids. They are fun, loving, kind, sweet, hard working, respectful kids. I get many compliments on their respectful attitudes and their maturity.

I love having peace and calm, I like being in control of my life. Having this crew means,lots of chaos, lots of wild energy, lots of illogical drama, lots of silly laughter and lots of letting go.

I firmly believe in co parenting with God. God is the Father of the Fatherless. The only way I will survive the next 5-6 years is by HIS grace and mercy.  Recently he impressed on my heart that something was not right in my house. I spend a good bit of time in prayer, some electronic fasting, just seeking Him, trying to find answers.

He revealed the sin to me on Friday.  I did some praying. My initial reaction was to flip out, to completely cut off things, to shut down, to put my foot down.. but God.. My goal is to be a Holy Spirit Parent. I want to respond not react to my children.

So I waited and I prayed. God revealed His plan for me. See, one my kids had used to internet to search for things. Things that were not edifying or upbuilding.

So God led me to this website, it had great resources, for kids, for parents, and it showed people who had recovered from a lifetime of addiction and sin. It was great. I spend a couple hours, praying, seeking God and putting together a little "presentation".

I called a family meeting and presented my presentation. It was a really neat God experience, but reality is deep down in my soul, there is this fear. What if I mess up this thing called parenting, what if these kids who have only been with me for such a  short time, don't have enough of a foundation to withstand the temptations of the world?

I need to let go, I need to find the balance of losing the reins and pulling them back in when they need. This si HARD for me. So hard. I want to control and carefully build this sheltered world, where my children can only be ok. But.. they need to fail, they need to mess up, they need to feel the sting of sin in order to learn to stand strong.

Another one of my children is struggling, they don't like my rules, my boundaries and my parenting style. It has been a bit of a bumpy road lately. On Saturday, after the family meeting where I shared my presentation, I prayed and prayed. God help me lead these kids to you.

I had to run to pick up my Zaycon chicken, in town about 30 minutes away. So I asked my daughter to join me. She was not happy with me. But when we got in the van, the local christian talk radio station was on. I rarely have it on in the van. But it happened to be on, and the lady on the show was talking about relationships between girls and their families.  We listened for 20 minutes. AT the end I looked at my daughter and we both burst into laughter.  I told my daughter "That was from your daddy Jesus, just for you and I".  God cares about every moment of our lives. He speaks through many things.

I took a 2 mile walk with my walking buddy last night. I vented to her, she is an adoptive mom too. She understands my fears. I love that God has placed her in my life for such a time as this.

This morning, at church, the message was again a confirmation.  This was our conversation on the way home.
Son #2: Mom, Pastor A preached on the very thing you talked about yesterday!
Me: yup, God is trying to tell us something.
Son #1 Well, Pastor A did a much better job then you did mom!
Me: He is a Pastor, what do you expect?!
Both boys: His message wasn't nearly as embarrassing as your presentation!
Me: But he validated what I said, and that is all that matters.

I have spend a lot of time in the last week, praying, seeking God, asking him how to parent these kids. Surrending my will, knowing that I can not control their futures. I can not live in fear. They are truly good kids and they are fun to be around, I can not live in fear of losing this. I must trust that God holds them in his hand. I must let them live out the story that God has written for them, EVEN if that means they suffer pain and heartache.

This weekend I am reminded again, when I feel inadequate. When I am terrified of raising teens, when I have no clue how on earth I will parent these kids. That God is faithful, He is true and He is the pilot, I am merely along for the ride.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

My Miracle Girl

This girl is rocking and rolling. She is making new friends, growing in many ways and doing so many new things.
We got this awesome stander right at Christmas time. She loves loves being upright and moving. This is the perfect piece of equipment for her.

It took a good bit of begging and pleading before the insurance company and the therapist agreed to fund it for us. But we got it accomplished. She rolls all around the house in this thing!

This past summer, I started praying for an ipad. I really felt like ti would be beneficial to Nesiah. I prayed and sought out different options. There was really no funding available anywhere. A $500 ipad was not in the budget.. Long story short, a friend from the past and her husband blessed us with this amazing ipad. free. completely free gift. It has been life changing for Nesiah.
It has improved her tracking and vision abilities. She loves to listen to music on it too. It also has helped her interact with people around her, because it is HER ipad, the kids have to play with it by her and with her. So it is a social interaction tool.

Nesiah loves worship music. She is learning to communicate. She has started demanding that I let her stand with me during worship time at church.
She lets us know when she is hungry, sad or wants a cuddle.  She loves to be in the kitchen with me when I am cooking etc.

For this season of life, God has blessed me with several great respite providers AND finally after several years of fighting,I have been approved for respite funding.  A young woman from our church comes once a week for 4 hrs, another lady comes when I need extra help on some days, and yet another friend loves to have Nesiah over to their house. She loves each of these caregivers and they are all people who truly enjoy her. I am able to attend youth events, church events and take my big kids out to do things I otherwise would not be able to.

Last but not least, I was just invited to take my daughters to a dance class on Sunday evenings. Not just any dance class.. but a dance class where the instructor is a dance THERAPIST! I am so excited to see how this will work for Nesiah. She loves music and I am sure she will love to dance!

The biggest health concern she currently has are her seizures. They seem to be hormone related, and cycle monthly. They are not fun for her and scary for us. We pray that she would soon outgrow them.

I love how God has provided each of the things Nesiah needs at just the right time! I love how He cares for every little detail of her life.