This post is meant to educate. Please don't pity us or judge us.. We just want understanding.
Ask any single mom and/or widow in the christian community, that is raising good Godly young men, how the christian community (CC) responds to their kids and they will all essentially answer the same.
OUR GOOD KIDS ARE INVISIBLE IN THE CC.
Troubled kids, generally you can get people to step up and be a hero. You can get people to come in and judge your parenting and offer advice.. but the good kids, the ones who try to do right are often ignored.
This is what we have seen/experienced.... Little boy about 3 years old, suddenly starts to notice daddies. He sees that his friends have daddies. He wants one, they look fun! So he tries to join the daddy/son fun at gatherings or events. But see that daddy doesn't want to deal with that pesky kid, so he is ignored or outright rejected.
Little fatherless boys learn that daddies don't like him. He doesn't understand why.. but he learns quickly that he doesn't fit in and is generally not wanted where there are daddies.
So single mom sees that something needs to be done.. she seeks mentors as her boys grow. She seeks men willing to spend time with that little boy because she is concerned about his view of men/daddies. (she is often jaded towards men too) She finds mentors, which really are rarer then snow in Hawaii. They usually last about 2-6 months then they get bored.. So little boy learns that men are good for treats and taking them out to eat, but they don't hang around.
So.. now little boys are growing into teenagers. So far they experienced nothing but rejection and being ignored by good Godly men. They can no longer relate to good Godly men, they see that they don't fit into that circle. So when the few and far between men do reach out to them, they rebuff them. They have high walls, they are not about to lap up those crumbs of attention as they did in the past. They don't need that..
They are conflicted...They ask their mothers, how do you expect us to have good marriages and be strong Godly men, when we don't have the role models... and the single mom's jokes about being both mom and dad are no longer funny...
These young men seek to find their identity. They need to learn how to be young men of God. But the men of God have no time to teach them or model it to them.. It's not that men choose to be ignorant. It is not deliberate. They just don't think about it.. They don't notice that boy without a father struggling to figure out who he is.. They have their own teens, their own jobs, their own ministries. Besides, when they do reach out to these young teens, they get little to no response. So they move on...
The young men continue to grow.. now they don't want to participate in church activities with the men, because they "don't belong" there. They know mom is the one advocating and pushing them to go, they know none of their friends moms is involved. Mom doesn't understand teen boys, mom doesn't understand what it's like to be ignored, rejected, overlooked or even worse having to stand out because you don't have a dad.
And the young men look for a place to belong... and it's not in the Christian Community.
The reality is God is the father of the fatherless and in an ideal world the sons of single moms would be able to believe that their identity is in Christ. They would not need validation from good christian men.... They would be able to grow in Godliness to become more Christlike and change the next generation. That is what all of us single mom/widows pray for every day..
(this can apply to dads who are gone alot too)
Saturday, February 16, 2019
Sunday, July 22, 2018
My Latest Project
I decided we need a garden... a big garden. We have a little garden, with just enough food for fresh eating. But now that I have 4 teens we need more food.
So I had this grand idea. I decided to fence off a quarter of my 3 acres of pasture and turn it into a garden. I have everything I need for canning. I have the helpers. I have the room. So why not try to grow all my own food?
So first step I found some wire fencing on Fb market place. I drove way out to some backwoods town to pick it up. It was just the right amount of fencing for my space.
So I plotted out my garden.. but somewhere in the midst of my garden planning I decided to add a gaga pit, since the garden was going to be in the only flat space on our entire property.
My parents came for their annual visit. My dad helped my boys build a gaga pit out of 2x8 boards I found on craigslist. It turned into a much bigger job then I had ever anticipated so I was really thankful for my dads help. It took the 4 kids, Grandma and Grandpa an entire day to build it.
So next step, get the neighbor to cut down the dead tree. He came out on the following Saturday and cut it down. Unfortunately he left it lay.. and now I am trying to figure out how to burn it. I discovered that dead pine is very difficult to burn, even if it is no longer green.
So now we have the fence up, the tree down, the gaga pit build.. so its time or the next step.
I had decided we needed a lasagna garden/square foot garden/no till garden combination of gardening as I could not afford a tiller. So I put up signs asking for wood chips, grass clippings and composting scraps.. within a week a neighbor had dropped off 4 large bales of 3 yr old corn fodder!! I was so thrilled.
The kids and I marked off the first half of the garden. This is my favorite part. I love planning out things like this. So far we have 2 really long, narrow beds, 1 wide bed and 3 triangular beds that we marked off and layered with corn fodder. NExt step is adding greens, either grass clippings or manure!
I am so excited to see what I can plant in this garden next year! I have access to free raspberries, free elderberry bushes, free asparagus plants and free herbs.
It is a slow, step by step project but we plan to overseed for winter and do no planting until spring so we have lots of time.
Currently both our mowers are broken, so I need to work on repairing those so we can mow the meadows which will give me an abundance of grass clippings.
We have called all our local tree companies to order any and all wood chips they want to deliver. WE had high winds go through last night so I am hoping that means wood chips for us!
This garden has proven to be theraputic during a stressful season of life. I have also discovered that this is one area that Bubbie is willing to work with me. He hates all housework and dishes etc.. but he LOVEs to help me in the garden. Many evenings we are outside puttering around in the garden space.
So I had this grand idea. I decided to fence off a quarter of my 3 acres of pasture and turn it into a garden. I have everything I need for canning. I have the helpers. I have the room. So why not try to grow all my own food?
So first step I found some wire fencing on Fb market place. I drove way out to some backwoods town to pick it up. It was just the right amount of fencing for my space.
So I plotted out my garden.. but somewhere in the midst of my garden planning I decided to add a gaga pit, since the garden was going to be in the only flat space on our entire property.
My parents came for their annual visit. My dad helped my boys build a gaga pit out of 2x8 boards I found on craigslist. It turned into a much bigger job then I had ever anticipated so I was really thankful for my dads help. It took the 4 kids, Grandma and Grandpa an entire day to build it.
So next step, get the neighbor to cut down the dead tree. He came out on the following Saturday and cut it down. Unfortunately he left it lay.. and now I am trying to figure out how to burn it. I discovered that dead pine is very difficult to burn, even if it is no longer green.
So now we have the fence up, the tree down, the gaga pit build.. so its time or the next step.
I had decided we needed a lasagna garden/square foot garden/no till garden combination of gardening as I could not afford a tiller. So I put up signs asking for wood chips, grass clippings and composting scraps.. within a week a neighbor had dropped off 4 large bales of 3 yr old corn fodder!! I was so thrilled.
The kids and I marked off the first half of the garden. This is my favorite part. I love planning out things like this. So far we have 2 really long, narrow beds, 1 wide bed and 3 triangular beds that we marked off and layered with corn fodder. NExt step is adding greens, either grass clippings or manure!
I am so excited to see what I can plant in this garden next year! I have access to free raspberries, free elderberry bushes, free asparagus plants and free herbs.
It is a slow, step by step project but we plan to overseed for winter and do no planting until spring so we have lots of time.
Currently both our mowers are broken, so I need to work on repairing those so we can mow the meadows which will give me an abundance of grass clippings.
We have called all our local tree companies to order any and all wood chips they want to deliver. WE had high winds go through last night so I am hoping that means wood chips for us!
This garden has proven to be theraputic during a stressful season of life. I have also discovered that this is one area that Bubbie is willing to work with me. He hates all housework and dishes etc.. but he LOVEs to help me in the garden. Many evenings we are outside puttering around in the garden space.
Saturday, June 16, 2018
The day my 14 yr old son was introduced to alcohol..
As a single parent raising kids from hard places, I try hard to parent intentionally. We have family values, family rules, family guidelines..I am intentional and my children write out life goals and values for themselves at 13. Recently we have had some really good discussions about different family values and morals, about family rules, about the fine line between socially drinking and becoming addicted. The talks about how just because it is not sin, does not make it right. The talks about how we are influenced by those we spend time with. The talks about how we must be willing to be set apart and different and how hard that can be.
God has been faithful in providing positive role models and friends for my children in the past year. We do struggle to find good Godly men that want to invest in young lives.But every once in awhile I find people who do that.. Usually in the most unusual and quiet ways. For that I am most thankful.
Let me give you an example.. My one son has started wearing his shirt tucked into his waistband. I HATE that look. It drives me CRAZY! But I let it go, because it really is a matter of preference.. AND I realized that he does it because 2 men, 2 men who are showing him how to be hardworking farmers who honor God, wear their shirts tucked in.. and being like men is way more important then being like a boring old mom. He is watching and modeling what he sees.
We have walked through lots of hard stuff in the past couple months that has really stretched this momma. Parenting teenagers is not for the faint of heart. Parenting teenagers who spend the first 4-5 years of their lives in violent, criminal, dangerous, addiction ridden lifestyles is even harder. But God is good and my kids are amazing kiddoes who work hard at doing what is right. I can only hope these last couple months of hard things build their faith, build their relationship with me and each other and are all a part of their strong foundation that we continue to build. Teaching teen boys to respect their mom has been a huge challenge. But it is so worth the hard work.
I know the majority of my blogging is all about the good stuff and the easy stuff.. but I decided to share a recent challenge we encountered.
Several weeks ago, we were away. I had laid out guidelines and rules to protect my children. I give them freedom as they earn it. My trust in you gives you freedom. We discussed how to handle uncomfortable situations.
So day 1 of our vacation, 8:30 pm my 14 yr old got on a pontoon with a group of men. I was inside putting Bubbie to bed. I trust my kids to make wise choices. My 12 and 13 yr olds came inside around 9. When I asked where big brother was, they told me he had gone out on the boat. He had permission to do this, within my boundaries and he had checked himself to make sure he was within those boundaries.
I worked on getting Bubbie to sleep until 9:30, then I got the other kids to bed. My oldest was still not back from his pontoon ride.
So I went in search of others who might have details of what was going on.. Apparently all the men in the house except Jeremiah and my dad had gone out on this pontoon with the intent of fishing late into the night, while drinking "socially".
So now we have my 14 yr old son, out on a boat with a bunch of men he knows well and admires, fishing and drinking way late into the night. I. was. not. happy.
So I sat on the back deck praying.. see the thing is, I could have send a text message and demanded they bring him in. But he is a 14 yr old boy. He hates drama and a fuss. He would have been completely mortified and endlessly teased. I knew I could trust him to make wise decisions. I knew I could trust him to stand his ground and be a respectful son. I was very unhappy he was in this situation but I also knew that it needed to be handled with care.
So I felt led to merely pray, not intervene. I sat on that deck, worrying/fretting/praying from 10:30 to 11:30 pm. At about 11 pm, I felt led to reach out to a couple prayer warriors. My son is strong, but I knew that he was in a situation that I would never ever voluntarily allow my child to be in.
11:30 pm, after 3 hours of partying and fishing, my son and the other teen/preteen came laughing in the door. Soaking wet.. apparently they had almost capsized the pontoon. I did not find this the least bit funny and was in Massive Mama Bear mode.
He immediately went into defense mode.. Mom, I did not know it was going to be like this! We were just having fun! I obeyed all your rules!! You know you can trust me! I would never ever drink, I am not stupid! Mom, please don't make a fuss.
Me: What would YOU say if "I" went out until midnight drinking and hanging out with friends?!
Him: "I" was not drinking!
Me: silence
He had nothing more to say as he saw his mom in tears and he knew that a line had been crossed.
I send him to bed with a hug and the words "I love you and I am not angry at you. But I am very unhappy about the whole situation. We will talk about it some more when I am calm".
The next morning (at 5 AM!) when the other kids got up to go out fishing, they whispered wide eyed and shocked..
Was Elijah out all night?!
Was he drinking?
Is it true they almost drowned?
Now let's backtrack... somewhere around 11-11:15, I felt very heavy and I send out an SOS for prayer from my prayer warriors. Right about that time, it's a long story, but apparently someone went running across the overloaded pontoon and the entire thing tipped dangerously, Like witnesses said they had never gotten so close to dumping a boat into the lake.. Now, important details here.. the majority of the adults had been consuming alcoholic beverages. Only 2 people on that pontoon were strong swimmers, one of which was my son. They were out in the middle of the lake, pretty far from any land, in the middle of the night. #Godprotected!
Second story.. I have to say this is my favorite part of the whole story..
Apparently there was a good bit of "good natured" mocking of our family's values and my strong parenting.
So one man says "Let's text Ruth Ann and tell her we will bring Elijah in once he is sober."
Second guy says "Then there would be 3 people who walked on water. Jesus, Peter and Ruth Ann. She would march down those steps, across the dock and walk right across the lake to grab Elijah off this boat and haul him back to the house" .
Apparently everyone knew how I felt about drinking.. 🙈🙉
Later, I brought up to the group, would you drink socially or otherwise in front of your own teen?!
The answer was mostly yes, because obviously every family has different values and morals.
The question, I regret NOT asking.. what would you do if I challenged your kids and teased them because you choose to drink socially and I don't? What if I told your kid you were a wrong for drinking socially and you were damaging them by exposing them to it?
Disclaimer: I do not think drinking is a sin. I do drink wine occasionally. I just don't think I want my boys to see drinking as being "one of the men".
So as in the t shirt story above, where my son tucks in his shirt because that he is what he sees men doing.. he has been trying to be more like the men he is around.. but guess what he is modeling this time?!
Later once everyone was calm, Elijah and I sat down for a discussion. I did not forbid him from going on future fishing trips, tho I did forbid younger, less trustworthy children from going out. We talked about the kind of influences we need in our lives and the choices we must make. He now has to make his own decisions and I trust him..
We as a family have had some good conversations out of this hard thing, it is easy to want to protect our kids. It is equally important to guide them and guard their influences.
We also had some good conversations about how casual smoking and drinking, aka social smoking and drinking can lead to bigger problems. Realities we see in our home every day.. The realities of the damage alcohol can do to families. Addiction is no joke. Prenatal alcohol exposure is no joke.
How would you handle this situation? I especially would love to hear from experienced moms!
God has been faithful in providing positive role models and friends for my children in the past year. We do struggle to find good Godly men that want to invest in young lives.But every once in awhile I find people who do that.. Usually in the most unusual and quiet ways. For that I am most thankful.
Let me give you an example.. My one son has started wearing his shirt tucked into his waistband. I HATE that look. It drives me CRAZY! But I let it go, because it really is a matter of preference.. AND I realized that he does it because 2 men, 2 men who are showing him how to be hardworking farmers who honor God, wear their shirts tucked in.. and being like men is way more important then being like a boring old mom. He is watching and modeling what he sees.
We have walked through lots of hard stuff in the past couple months that has really stretched this momma. Parenting teenagers is not for the faint of heart. Parenting teenagers who spend the first 4-5 years of their lives in violent, criminal, dangerous, addiction ridden lifestyles is even harder. But God is good and my kids are amazing kiddoes who work hard at doing what is right. I can only hope these last couple months of hard things build their faith, build their relationship with me and each other and are all a part of their strong foundation that we continue to build. Teaching teen boys to respect their mom has been a huge challenge. But it is so worth the hard work.
I know the majority of my blogging is all about the good stuff and the easy stuff.. but I decided to share a recent challenge we encountered.
Several weeks ago, we were away. I had laid out guidelines and rules to protect my children. I give them freedom as they earn it. My trust in you gives you freedom. We discussed how to handle uncomfortable situations.
So day 1 of our vacation, 8:30 pm my 14 yr old got on a pontoon with a group of men. I was inside putting Bubbie to bed. I trust my kids to make wise choices. My 12 and 13 yr olds came inside around 9. When I asked where big brother was, they told me he had gone out on the boat. He had permission to do this, within my boundaries and he had checked himself to make sure he was within those boundaries.
I worked on getting Bubbie to sleep until 9:30, then I got the other kids to bed. My oldest was still not back from his pontoon ride.
So I went in search of others who might have details of what was going on.. Apparently all the men in the house except Jeremiah and my dad had gone out on this pontoon with the intent of fishing late into the night, while drinking "socially".
So now we have my 14 yr old son, out on a boat with a bunch of men he knows well and admires, fishing and drinking way late into the night. I. was. not. happy.
So I sat on the back deck praying.. see the thing is, I could have send a text message and demanded they bring him in. But he is a 14 yr old boy. He hates drama and a fuss. He would have been completely mortified and endlessly teased. I knew I could trust him to make wise decisions. I knew I could trust him to stand his ground and be a respectful son. I was very unhappy he was in this situation but I also knew that it needed to be handled with care.
So I felt led to merely pray, not intervene. I sat on that deck, worrying/fretting/praying from 10:30 to 11:30 pm. At about 11 pm, I felt led to reach out to a couple prayer warriors. My son is strong, but I knew that he was in a situation that I would never ever voluntarily allow my child to be in.
11:30 pm, after 3 hours of partying and fishing, my son and the other teen/preteen came laughing in the door. Soaking wet.. apparently they had almost capsized the pontoon. I did not find this the least bit funny and was in Massive Mama Bear mode.
He immediately went into defense mode.. Mom, I did not know it was going to be like this! We were just having fun! I obeyed all your rules!! You know you can trust me! I would never ever drink, I am not stupid! Mom, please don't make a fuss.
Me: What would YOU say if "I" went out until midnight drinking and hanging out with friends?!
Him: "I" was not drinking!
Me: silence
He had nothing more to say as he saw his mom in tears and he knew that a line had been crossed.
I send him to bed with a hug and the words "I love you and I am not angry at you. But I am very unhappy about the whole situation. We will talk about it some more when I am calm".
The next morning (at 5 AM!) when the other kids got up to go out fishing, they whispered wide eyed and shocked..
Was Elijah out all night?!
Was he drinking?
Is it true they almost drowned?
Now let's backtrack... somewhere around 11-11:15, I felt very heavy and I send out an SOS for prayer from my prayer warriors. Right about that time, it's a long story, but apparently someone went running across the overloaded pontoon and the entire thing tipped dangerously, Like witnesses said they had never gotten so close to dumping a boat into the lake.. Now, important details here.. the majority of the adults had been consuming alcoholic beverages. Only 2 people on that pontoon were strong swimmers, one of which was my son. They were out in the middle of the lake, pretty far from any land, in the middle of the night. #Godprotected!
Second story.. I have to say this is my favorite part of the whole story..
Apparently there was a good bit of "good natured" mocking of our family's values and my strong parenting.
So one man says "Let's text Ruth Ann and tell her we will bring Elijah in once he is sober."
Second guy says "Then there would be 3 people who walked on water. Jesus, Peter and Ruth Ann. She would march down those steps, across the dock and walk right across the lake to grab Elijah off this boat and haul him back to the house" .
Apparently everyone knew how I felt about drinking.. 🙈🙉
Later, I brought up to the group, would you drink socially or otherwise in front of your own teen?!
The answer was mostly yes, because obviously every family has different values and morals.
The question, I regret NOT asking.. what would you do if I challenged your kids and teased them because you choose to drink socially and I don't? What if I told your kid you were a wrong for drinking socially and you were damaging them by exposing them to it?
Disclaimer: I do not think drinking is a sin. I do drink wine occasionally. I just don't think I want my boys to see drinking as being "one of the men".
So as in the t shirt story above, where my son tucks in his shirt because that he is what he sees men doing.. he has been trying to be more like the men he is around.. but guess what he is modeling this time?!
Later once everyone was calm, Elijah and I sat down for a discussion. I did not forbid him from going on future fishing trips, tho I did forbid younger, less trustworthy children from going out. We talked about the kind of influences we need in our lives and the choices we must make. He now has to make his own decisions and I trust him..
We as a family have had some good conversations out of this hard thing, it is easy to want to protect our kids. It is equally important to guide them and guard their influences.
We also had some good conversations about how casual smoking and drinking, aka social smoking and drinking can lead to bigger problems. Realities we see in our home every day.. The realities of the damage alcohol can do to families. Addiction is no joke. Prenatal alcohol exposure is no joke.
How would you handle this situation? I especially would love to hear from experienced moms!
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