Christmas

 I've been sitting here trying to find some kind of Christmas joy. I have done all the things. Baked some cookies. Went to all the programs and banquets and recitals. 

Christmas is in 5 days.  I'm very selfishly dreading it. I don't have the brain capacity to make it fun and happy and cheerful for everyone. Its supposed.to be freezing cold so we will all be home together. Which can be joyful or stressful. 

So many of my friends are suffering and struggling through things so much worse then a houseful of needy kids. My heart has been hurting for so many and yet I have no extra time to serve others. I pray frequently and try to speak encouragement. But so many people in my life are walking through hard hard things. Deeply horribly painful things. 

Tonight at bedtime I was discussing the story of Jesus birth with the kids. Graci is really grasping that Jesus was born in a barn. She wonders if he was scared of the animals. If he was as tiny as her friend's baby sister. 

I was mulling over this. I had seen a meme on fb something about Mary was favored. But she suffered deep pain. 

I realized we forget the true story of Christmas. The angel told Mary she was favored. The world told her she was promiscuous. She was judged and an outcast. She was young. I can't imagine this was easy for her. Her fiancee wanted to dump her. He too thought the worst of her. It took an angel to get him to believe her. Can you imagine all the embarrassment and pain she suffered during this time? 

Then... She had her baby in a barn. How many times do you think she questioned how she could be favored and this be the son of God if God didn't even provide an inn for her to have her baby?! She must have felt abandoned by her people and her God. She must have had so many questions. 

Then it wasn't her mom and her relatives who came to see the baby. It was dirty shepherds. Now imagine how people talked about her and her baby?! 

Over the years people probably forgot all about that. Time marched on. Then then he started preaching. She knew who he was. She knew he was the son of God. By now she also knew that this would not being her honor and fame. But it would bring her pain and heartache. It would probably bring loneliness because people probably thought she was crazy. 

So a shout out to all my hurting friends, my struggling friends and my friends walking g dark valleys. Your hard stuff doesn't mean God abandoned you. Your hard stuff my just be happening because you are one of God's favored children. Because it is through suffering that we really get to know who Jesus is. 

Holidays and Healing

 Holidays. Family. Relationships. 

Last year one of our members was not here for Thanksgiving.

Last year we celebrated thanksgiving with my extended family for the first time in many many years. 

This year I had my entire crew home for the holidays. 

This year we didn't travel for the holidays. 

I invested a lot of time and energy into making our holidays memorable and fun for everyone. I scheduled a 5k race for the active ones and left the ones who prefer quiet sleeping in at home. We put up lights and the tree. We watched a movie. It worked super well and everyone had a great day.

We have an entire weekend at home. I have a couple kids who need scheduled activities and kept busy. I have some kids who would prefer to not move at all. We have a house to maintain, food to cook, and laundry to keep after. 

 We had scheduled cooking baking and decorating today. But momma is just done. Done. Done. I'm done making everything wonderful for everyone else. I'm done pouring out. 

I took a long nap, then I put on headphones with music and washed the mountain of dishes and deep  cleaned the fridge. I thought deeply over what the holidays mean for me. 

There are multiple levels and parts to every holiday. 

There is the mom part..the biggest, strongest part of me. I will do my very best to make sure my kids have wonderful memories of holiday fun. I will adapt and modify and make it a fun day. I set boundaries for anyone creating drama. I don't allow complaining or negativity. You have two choices, participate or shut up. 😂 But at the end of the day all of the hard work and planning is worth it because my kids have a secure loving home where no matter what they know momma loves them. 

There is the widow part of me. There is not a holiday that goes by that I don't miss Mesh, his big personality and the way he made me laugh. I think of what it would like if he was here to balance me on these special days and walk this road with me.   I think of how different life would be. The secondary losses that come with widowhood. When you are the only adult in the house. 

There is the daughter/sister part of me. There is much I don't share publicly. There are two perspectives to every story, I've chosen to not share that part of my story.  But just because boundaries are important for my mental health and good for my children, doesn't make one wish things didn't have to be that way.

There is the friend part of me. The one who knows that without all my amazing friends who know how hard the road is, one might just give up. The friends who keep me focused on the good and listen to me vent and help me remember that in this fallen world we all have our struggles. 

I was listening to a podcast by Nancy Demoss Wolgamuth on gratitude this morning. She said this might not be the way you imagined life to be. But this is the story God wrote for you. The hard things ,the rough edges of life are what is making you more Christlike. I have been reflecting on this alot today. 

The world tells you to live for yourself, to protect yourself, "you do you". But God asks us to let Him work in our lives even if it doesn't look like you think it should. 

Part 2

This should probably be a separate post but it falls under the same umbrella..

Raising young adults from hard places is a rough road. Turning 18 is hard and scary when you have been abandoned and rejected by the people who should have loved you the most. Adulting can be hard and overwhelming when you have had multiple mothers before the age of 5. That little person inside you needs to heal before you can fly. Healing that little child inside is messy hard and painful. 

Being the anchor for these young adults learning to navigate the adult world and the emotions that come with all of that is not for the faint of heart. I'm thankful to be entrusted with their hearts, but it's a heavy job. One that I couldn't survive were it not for my Father who promises to carry us through the hard days. 

I always go into the holidays with a bit of melancholy. A good bit of sadness and pain. I reflect on relationships and Healing. It's a time when I am extremely grateful fory crew. My people. My crazy bunch. This year as I reflect I see a lot of healing and growth. I see super hard and heavy things. I see God's hand all over our lives. 

We are living in times such as our generation has never before seen. The entire world is being impacted by Covid19, fear and madness.

I have yet to figure out which is worse, the fear that people are living in or the reality that one could die of Covid19. I am not afraid of death. I am not afraid of loss. But goodness, going to the grocery store makes me feel afraid for our world. People are being driven by fear...

People are afraid fo dying, they are afraid of losing their money, they are afraid of losing their business, they are afraid of losing loved ones, they are afraid of what Covid19 can do... going into the grocery store one can feel the anxiety and the fear. This week I chose to run out for some more food. Everyone was wearing masks, the cashiers had to wipe down counters, they wore gloves, people are expected to stay 6 ft apart.  No one made eye contact, no one smiled, everyone walked in this self protective fear mode.  I decided to spread some cheer. IT was shocking how few people actually smiled back when you smiled at them.

WE are quarantined at home.. tho its hard to tell how quarantined we are.. because David still works 4-5 afternoons a week, Elizabeth works one afternoon a week, I run out for groceries every 2 weeks, and I made a run to the greenhouse and several to the bank/pharmacy. I am keeping the little ones home as much as possible. Yesterday Bubbie asked if he could go to the grocery store... just to see all the food. lol He misses going shopping with me. But he is my immune compromised child so I had to say no.

Schools are closed for the year. Nesiah is getting stuff via an ipad and google classroom. Bubbie was doing all his school work at home under direction from his teacher. I chose to pull him and homeschool him. I am just not good with the school at home thing.  I prefer homeschooling "my way" which really involves eliminating all the busy work, moving quickly from one concept to the next and wrapping up this school year in short order!  So I am homeschooling him.... this was not an easy decision and came with lots of prayer, wrestling and some tears. But God is faithful and we know he is in this with me.

The three little ones are thriving in the midst of this quarantine. They love being home, actually all the kids do. We have had very few behavior issues int he past 6 weeks. Everyone loves having having the whole family home. Baby girl is growing quickly and thinks all the big kids being home means they are here to dote on her.  Bubbie loves the freedom of being home, of having a less stressed mom and of being able to play outside for hours.

While our time at home has been good. While our finances are not directly impacted by the crisis, our hearts hurt for those around us who are struggling. The children who do not thrive at being home 24/7. The fathers who wish they could go to work but are not allowed.  Our world will never be the same.

Holy Spirit Moments

This morning we attended church. It was a bit more hectic than normal. Usually, I have a friend that helps with Bubbie or the boys manage him. Today neither my helper or my boys were available.  So I had Mr. Wiggly ADHD, along with baby girl who needed a nap and Nesiah who wasn't very happy about church. When baby girl started fussing, I snuck out with her. 
 I slipped into the quiet of the nursery. Someone had put in a couch and rearranged the room. It was a very inviting spot. I dimmed the lights and sat down to rock baby girl.  It took less than 5 minutes for her to fall asleep.  Snuggling her in my arms, rocking softly back and forth, breathing in the quiet of the room, I felt this supernatural peace. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. IT was so real that the tears squeezed out of the corners of my eyes, dripping down on baby girl.
  For weeks I have rushed. I have kept on top of everything, processing the adoption paperwork, parenting the kids, making Christmas special, dealing with some paperwork headaches, and just so much... not anything major, no real big problems. Just lots of small things.. with never a minute to breath. I needed a minute away to pray, to think, to breath.
 Today I sat in that little room and I breathed, I rested, I felt the Holy Spirit minister to me. I felt His love for me. I felt my heart and soul fill with His Presence and His peace.
  I looked around for a way to lock the doors.. but there was none. I was really tempted to cry buckets and then take a nap on the couch. But I knew my teenagers would die of embarrassment, so I enjoyed my moment, I cried my tears and then I took a deep breath and moved on, filled up.

The Beginning of a New Decade

    2020 the beginning of a new decade. I love to look back and see where life has taken me. Living the life I do, things often change drastically.  20 years ago, I was 16, 10 years ago I was 26, now I am 36. I have lived a lot of life in the past 20 years.

My top ten highlights from the last 10 years.
  1. In 2010 I adopted David and Fayth.  Nesiah came to live with us. I started homeschooling the kids.

  2. In 2011 I adopted Nesiah, Lee, and Elizabeth.  We also moved to our current home that year.  we purchased our first animals, chickens, and a mini horse.
   
 3. In 2012,  We added a milk cow to our little farmette. I think we may have had sheep too. It was our first year as a family with no new family members and no adoptions.

 4. 2013, Bubbie was born and came to live with us. We got rid of the cow and bought some sheep. I was still homeschooling.

5. 2014, We were in the midst of hard hard. Bubbie was sick and colicky, sleep was nonexistent, and medical appointments far too frequent. We got a crash course on allergies and asthma.  We also had extensive and frustrating foster care drama. It was a hard hard year.

6. 2015, We adopted Bubbie, only by a miracle.  His health started improving. We added goats and 2 old horses to the farm. I also started homeschooling Nesiah that year.

7. 2016,  We took a week-long vacation to Cape Cod thanks to a generous friend.  We added bunnies, dogs, and sheep to our menagerie. Maybe even a steer that year?

8, 2017 The year we spend repairing our health. I had horrific Lyme disease and adrenal fatigue. I made the decision to take care of my health that year. 5 out of 6 kids also had Lyme disease! We battled and won that fight. We found a church we plugged into. My boys became teenagers and the 3 oldest kids got part-time jobs, opened savings accounts and started budgeting. 

9, 2018 The year we really started thriving again. Bubbie started attending a private school. I started working as a parent trainer for the local children and youth agency.  This is the year all 4 of my big kids were teenagers.  I had my own babysitters and mother's helpers. BEST OF ALL, baby girl came to live with us 5 days before Christmas. We added a couple steers, several goats and another dog to the menagerie.  I made a big garden in part of my pasture.

10. 2019,  I quit my job. Bubbie attended his private school for first grade.  Nesiah went back to public school. This all happened over summer as I recognized that I needed to take steps to prevent burnout. The older 3 kids all had steady jobs over the summer with families from church.  I raised a large garden and canned a ton of food. 

So in ten years, I adopted 6 kids with another adoption coming up really soon.  I had two babies dropped into my lap while I was NOT a licensed foster parent. I homeschooled 4 kids from 1st to high school. I had my first kid go into private school. I moved to a farmette and obtained animals, raising as much of our own milk, eggs, and meat as possible. I started a garden from scratch, raising as much of our own food as possible. I started working as a parent trainer for cys and then quit when I got a baby.
     

Everything We Own Comes With a Story..

  Everything we own comes with a story. We never just outright buy anything... It just goes against my grain to pay full price for anything. Plus it seems God has a way of providing things for us.
Now, this doesn't mean we always get what we want when we want it. It means that we get what we need when we need it. 
  I bought a used stove and fridge for $150 each when we moved here. They were old but sturdy. They served us well for the past 8 years. But... the oven had never baked evenly and it was falling apart. 
  So when we got a Christmas blessing, I decided to look at getting a new stove.  I had planned to shop on facebook marketplace, but when we made a trip to Lowe's,  we saw they were having a great appliance sale. So I checked out what they had.  I was pleasantly surprised by their prices. So I planned to take a trip to Lowe's to pick up the stove sometimes in the next week.

   Meanwhile, I felt God leading me to put as much as possible of our MANY Christmas blessings into savings for Bubbie's school tuition next year.   So  I wrestled a little. I really wanted a new stove!! But  I also want to be obedient with the blessings we are given.

One evening browsing facebook, a friend shared a post on her page of a stove for sale by a friend of hers.  It was black. My current appliances are white and cream. But it was NICE and it was only $100 and I had "that feeling". So I messaged the lady.  She said she would measure and get back to me. 
The next day I still had not heard anything. Finally, I reached out and she let me know she had already sold it.

I was disappointed but have learned to trust God. At this point I just let it go.

    This morning she messaged me again. The first guy changed his mind. I could have the stove. We chatted a little, regarding our connections to the friend who had shared the post. This lady was the cousin of my friend's late husband.  I shared that I was a widow too.

    So This afternoon the boys removed the backseat of the van. We headed out to pick up the stove. It was perfect for us.  I paid the younger guy. He and my boys loaded the stove into the back of the van.
Meanwhile, the older guy was telling me how much his wife hated having a black stove. I said that with all my kids I think black might hide some of the dirt.

    So we were ready to head out and the guy looks at me with a grin and hands back my money with a cheery Merry Christmas! I was shocked. I kept asking are you sure?!  The boys were shocked....This man's generosity was so unexpected and such a wonderful blessing.  Now we had a stove and money to put towards tuition!

   So we hauled that beautiful black stove home, the boys took the old power cord off the old stove and attached it to the new stove.  They moved it into its spot and we praised God for once again providing for us.
 
    I thanked Jesus outloud for our beautiful stove and I apologized for sounding ungrateful, but I told Jesus I would really like a new stove hood that matches.  (And my children scolded me for not being content with what I have :) )

  The neatest thing in all of this was my children's view of God at work.  Last week, we spend a good bit of time giving, giving with open hands and hearts.  We talked alot about how what we have is not ours, but Gods. That we must be willing to give from what we have and that God does promise to give back what we give.
Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back  
Another positive in this.. is that my boys were quite proud of their ability to switch out the power cords and set up the stove themselves. I am still supervising closely and helping as needed. But they now do all the things that I used to do. 

Life Update

It has been a super long time since I have been on here. I locked all my social media and my blog platform down last fall when the news picked up the story of Nesiah's bio mom being charge. It has been an incredible year. Bio mom was sentenced in early Dec. and life has moved on.

So much of life has changed. The kids have grown alot in the last year. We added a new family member, a teeny tiny Christmas miracle, 5 days before Christmas 2018. She has been the light of our lives and we hope to make a permanent member of our family in the very near future.

The three older kids have all had jobs this summer. They enjoy working and earning money. They discuss their ever-growing savings accounts and the ownership of cars in the near future. The boys both have cell phones. They did discover that cellphone ownership is not as wonderful as they thought it would be. Ironically Mom discovered that she LIKES that the kids have cell phones.

The kids have all matured so much. It is absolutely wonderful to have my own mothers helpers and babysitters. The boys have taken over many of the "manly" tasks around the house and barn.  Lee and Fayth did all my mowing and trimming this summer.  They all do so much to help me around here. I have never had quite so many willing and able helpers.

Nesiah and Bubbie are going to school this year. It was a hard decision but it was the right decision.  Bubbie is thriving and school is the absolute best thing for him. He has an amazing teacher, great classmates and I have made some wonderful friends.  I see this as part of the "village" it will take to raise up this strong child of mine.  Nesiah is not thriving as I would like.  I am not sharing details now. But we appreciate prayers. We are hoping to hire a nurse to go to school with her. The process has been painfully slow.  Meanwhile, we pray.

The 4 older kids are in 10, 9, 9 and 8th grade. I like high school, but goodness biology and algebra stretch me to my limits. They are all doing well with their schooling, so I am happy.

I am no longer working. This summer, I realized that I had too much on my plate so I placed aside some things for this season.  God is taking care of us and we are taking life one year at a time. The emotional toll of working with these families was not something I could carry right now. MY children need more of me... and I am happy to be home fulltime.


I put in a large garden last summer. That is a whole story all of its own. It was a massive fun project. It was worth every bit of blood sweat and tears. The garden produced super well and saved us $$$.
I collect leaves, horse manure, and free woodchips, much to the embarrassment of my teens.  But it makes me happy and I pay them in video game time for their muscles and labor.

We are raising puppies. It is a fun project. The middle three kids all have dogs. Poppy, Daisy, and Lilac. We are anticipating puppies in February. We are also in the middle of finishing out a dog palace. Because I can not have two litters of puppies in the living room with a mischievous 1 yr old. The puppies will be born in the house and moved outside. Hopefully, one momma will go early and the other one late so my plan works. :)

We have found a church home that fits us well. My children love the church, youth group, and their friends. I like the diversity of families that is a rare find in our county. I like the strong friends my kids have. It is not perfect, but it is perfect for us in this season.

The kid's bio mom was arrested, charged and sentenced to 4- years in prison for what she did to Nesiah. That was an interesting journey and will be a story for another day.  We are ever careful for our safety.

I hope to get back into blogging. But stringing together a coherent string of words while living in my house, is not always possible. 

Fatherlessness In the Christian Community

This post is  meant to educate. Please don't pity us or judge us.. We just want understanding.
Ask any single mom and/or widow in the christian community, that is raising good Godly young men, how the christian community (CC) responds to their kids and they will all essentially answer the same.
OUR GOOD KIDS ARE INVISIBLE IN THE CC.
Troubled kids, generally you can get people to step up and be a hero. You can get people to come in and judge your parenting and offer advice.. but the good kids, the ones who try to do right are often ignored.

This is what we have seen/experienced.... Little boy about 3 years old, suddenly starts to notice daddies. He sees that his friends have daddies. He wants one, they look fun! So he tries to join the daddy/son fun at gatherings or events. But see that daddy doesn't want to deal with that pesky kid, so he is ignored or outright rejected.
Little fatherless boys learn that daddies don't like him. He doesn't understand why.. but he learns quickly that he doesn't fit in and is generally not wanted where there are daddies.

So single mom sees that something needs to be done.. she seeks mentors as her boys grow. She seeks men willing to spend time with that little boy because she is concerned about his view of men/daddies. (she is often jaded towards men too) She finds mentors, which really are rarer then snow in Hawaii.  They usually last about 2-6 months then they get bored.. So little boy learns that men are good for treats and taking them out to eat, but they don't hang around.

So.. now little boys are growing into teenagers. So far they experienced nothing but rejection and being ignored by good Godly men.  They can no longer relate to good Godly men, they see that they don't fit into that circle.  So when the few and far between men do reach out to them, they rebuff them. They have high walls, they are not about to lap up those crumbs of attention as they did in the past. They don't need that..

They are conflicted...They ask their mothers, how do you expect us to have good marriages and be strong Godly men, when we don't have the role models... and the single mom's jokes about being both mom and dad are no longer funny...

These young men seek to find their identity. They need to learn how to be young men of God. But the men of God have no time to teach them or model it to them.. It's not that men choose to be ignorant. It is not deliberate. They just don't think about it.. They don't notice that boy without a father struggling to figure  out who he is.. They have their own teens, their own jobs, their own ministries. Besides, when they do reach out to these young teens, they get little to no response. So they move on...

The young men continue to grow.. now they don't want to participate in church activities with the men, because they "don't belong" there. They know mom is the one advocating and pushing them to go, they know none of their friends moms is involved. Mom doesn't understand teen boys, mom doesn't understand what it's like to be ignored, rejected, overlooked or even worse having to stand out because you don't have a dad.

And the young men look for a place to belong... and it's not in the Christian Community. 

The reality is God is the father of the fatherless and in an ideal world the sons of single moms would be able to believe that their identity is in Christ.  They would not need validation from good christian men.... They would be able to grow in Godliness to become more Christlike and change the next generation. That is what all of us single mom/widows pray for every day..
(this can apply to dads who are gone alot too)

My Latest Project

I decided we need a garden... a big garden. We have a little garden, with just enough food for fresh eating. But now that I have 4 teens we need more food.

So I had this grand idea. I decided to fence off a quarter of my 3 acres of pasture and turn it into a garden. I have everything I need for canning. I have the helpers. I have the room. So why not try to grow all my own food?

So first step I found some wire fencing on Fb market place. I drove way out to some backwoods town to pick it up. It was just the right amount of fencing for my space.
So I plotted out my garden.. but somewhere in the midst of my garden planning I decided to add a gaga pit, since the garden was going to be in the only flat space on our entire property.

My parents came for their annual visit. My dad helped my boys build a gaga pit out of 2x8 boards I found on craigslist. It turned into a much bigger job then I had ever anticipated so I was really thankful for my dads help. It took the 4 kids, Grandma and Grandpa an entire day to build it.

So next step, get the neighbor to cut down the dead tree. He came out on the following Saturday and cut it down. Unfortunately he left it lay.. and now I am trying to figure out how to burn it. I discovered that dead pine is very difficult to burn, even if it is no longer green.

So now we have the fence up, the tree down, the gaga pit build.. so its time or the next step.

I had decided we needed a lasagna garden/square foot garden/no till garden combination of gardening as I could not afford a tiller. So I put up signs asking for wood chips, grass clippings and composting scraps.. within a week a neighbor had dropped off 4 large bales of 3 yr old corn fodder!! I was so thrilled.

The kids and I marked off the first half of the garden. This is my favorite part. I love planning out things like this. So far we have 2 really long, narrow beds, 1 wide bed and 3 triangular beds that we marked off and layered with corn fodder. NExt step is adding greens, either grass clippings or manure!

I am so excited to see what I can plant in this garden next year! I have access to free raspberries, free elderberry bushes, free asparagus plants and free herbs.

It is a slow, step by step project but we plan to overseed for winter and do no planting until spring so we have lots of time.

Currently both our mowers are broken, so I need to work on repairing those so we can mow the meadows which will give me an abundance of grass clippings.

We have called all our local tree companies to order any and all wood chips they want to deliver. WE had high winds go through last night so I am hoping that means wood chips for us!

This garden has proven to be theraputic during a stressful season of life. I have also discovered that this is one area that Bubbie is willing to work with me. He hates all housework and dishes etc.. but he LOVEs to help me in the garden. Many evenings we are outside puttering around in the garden space.

The day my 14 yr old son was introduced to alcohol..

As a single parent raising kids from hard places, I try hard to parent intentionally. We have family values, family rules, family guidelines..I am intentional and my children write out life goals and values for themselves at 13. Recently we have had some really good discussions about different family values and morals, about family rules, about the fine line between socially drinking and becoming addicted. The talks about how just because it is not sin, does not make it right. The talks about how we are influenced by those we spend time with. The talks about how we must be willing to be set apart and different and how hard that can be.



God has been faithful in providing positive role models and friends for my children in the past year. We do struggle to find good Godly men that want to invest in young lives.But every once in awhile I find people who do that.. Usually in the most unusual and quiet ways. For that I am most thankful.

Let me give you an example.. My one son has started wearing his shirt tucked into his waistband. I HATE that look. It drives me CRAZY! But I let it go, because it really is a matter of preference.. AND I realized that he does it because 2 men, 2 men who are showing him how to be hardworking farmers who honor God, wear their shirts tucked in.. and being like men is way more important then being like a boring old mom. He is watching and modeling what he sees.



We  have walked through lots of hard stuff in the past couple months that has really stretched this momma. Parenting teenagers is not for the faint of heart. Parenting teenagers who spend the first 4-5 years of their lives in violent, criminal, dangerous, addiction ridden lifestyles is even harder.  But God is good and my kids are amazing kiddoes who work hard at doing what is right. I can only hope these last couple months of hard things build their faith, build their relationship with me and each other and are all a part of their strong foundation that we continue to build. Teaching teen boys to respect their mom has been a huge challenge. But it is so worth the hard work.

I know the majority of my blogging is all about the good stuff and the easy stuff.. but I decided to share a recent challenge we encountered.


Several weeks ago, we were away. I had laid out guidelines and rules to protect my children. I give them freedom as they earn it. My trust in you gives you freedom. We discussed how to handle uncomfortable situations.


So day 1 of our vacation,  8:30 pm  my 14 yr old got on a pontoon with a group of men.   I was inside putting Bubbie to bed. I trust my kids to make wise choices. My 12 and 13 yr olds came inside around 9. When I asked where big brother was, they told me he had gone out on the boat. He had permission to do this, within my boundaries and he had checked himself to make sure he was within those boundaries.

I worked on getting Bubbie to sleep until 9:30, then I got the other kids to bed.  My oldest was still not back from his pontoon ride.

So I went in search of others who might have details of what was going on.. Apparently all the men in the house except Jeremiah and my dad had gone out on this pontoon with the intent of fishing late into the night, while drinking "socially".

So now we have my 14 yr old son, out on a boat with a bunch of men he knows well and admires, fishing and drinking way late into the night. I. was. not. happy.

So I sat on the back deck praying.. see the thing is, I could have send a text message and demanded they bring him in. But  he is a 14 yr old boy. He hates drama and a fuss.  He would have been completely mortified and endlessly teased. I knew I could trust him to make wise decisions. I knew I could trust him to stand his ground and be a respectful son. I was very unhappy he was in this situation but I also knew that it needed to be handled with care.

So I felt led to merely pray, not intervene. I sat on that deck, worrying/fretting/praying from 10:30 to 11:30 pm.  At about 11 pm, I felt led to reach out to a couple prayer warriors. My son is strong, but I knew that he was in a situation that I would never ever voluntarily allow my child to be in.

11:30 pm, after 3 hours of partying  and fishing, my son and the other teen/preteen came laughing in the door. Soaking wet.. apparently they had almost capsized the pontoon. I did not find this the least bit funny and was in Massive Mama Bear mode.

He immediately went into defense mode.. Mom, I did not know it was going to be like this! We were just having fun! I obeyed all your rules!! You know you can trust me! I would never ever drink, I am not stupid! Mom, please don't make a fuss.

Me: What would YOU say if "I" went out until midnight drinking and hanging out with friends?!

Him: "I" was not drinking!

Me: silence

He had nothing more to say as he saw his mom in tears and he knew that a line had been crossed.

I send him to bed with a hug and the words "I love you and I am not angry at you. But I am very unhappy about the whole situation. We will talk about it some more when I am calm".

The next morning (at 5 AM!) when the other kids got up to go out fishing, they whispered wide eyed and shocked..
Was Elijah out all night?!
Was he drinking?
Is it true they almost drowned?


Now let's backtrack... somewhere around 11-11:15, I felt very heavy and I send out an SOS for prayer from my prayer warriors. Right about that time,  it's a long story, but apparently someone went running across the overloaded pontoon and the entire thing tipped dangerously, Like witnesses said they had never gotten so close to dumping a boat into the lake..  Now, important details here.. the majority of the adults had been consuming alcoholic beverages. Only 2 people on that pontoon were strong swimmers, one of which was my son. They were out in the middle of the lake, pretty far from any land, in the middle of the night. #Godprotected!


Second story.. I have to say this is my favorite part of the whole story..
Apparently there was a good bit of "good natured" mocking of our family's values and my strong parenting.
So one man says "Let's text Ruth Ann and tell her we will bring Elijah in once he is sober."
Second guy says "Then there would be 3 people who walked on water. Jesus, Peter and Ruth Ann. She would march down those steps, across the dock and walk right across the lake to grab Elijah off this boat and haul him back to the house" .
Apparently everyone knew how I felt about drinking.. 🙈🙉


Later, I brought up to the group, would you drink socially or otherwise in front of your own teen?!
The answer was mostly yes, because obviously every family has different values and morals.

The question, I regret NOT asking.. what would you do if I challenged your kids and teased them because you choose to drink socially and I don't? What if I told your kid you were a wrong for drinking socially and you were damaging them by exposing them to it?

Disclaimer: I do not think drinking is a sin. I do drink wine occasionally. I just don't think I want my boys to see drinking as being "one of the men".


So as in the t shirt story above, where my son tucks in his shirt because that he is what he sees men doing.. he has been trying to be more like the men he is around.. but guess what he is modeling this time?!

Later once everyone was calm, Elijah and I sat down for a discussion. I did not forbid him from going on future fishing trips, tho I did forbid younger, less trustworthy children from going out. We talked about the kind of influences we need in our lives and the choices we must make.  He now has to make his own decisions and I trust him..

We as a family have had some good conversations out of this hard thing, it is easy to want to protect our kids. It is equally important to guide them and guard their influences.
We also had some good conversations about how casual smoking and drinking, aka social smoking and drinking can lead to bigger problems. Realities we see in our home every day.. The realities of the damage alcohol can do to families. Addiction is no joke. Prenatal alcohol exposure is no joke.

How would you handle this situation? I especially would love to hear from experienced moms!

Seasons of Change

I am going back to work..

I am going to be a working, homeschooling single mom.

Bubbie is going to private school.

I am both thrilled and terrified.

I know that this is what God has for me and God is in every detail of this journey.

I  want to be that stay at home mom who spends her days doing fun things with her kids.

I don't want to send my kiddoe to school.

I know my kiddoe will benefit from being in school.

I think it will be a really good thing for me to get out and do something I am passionate about.

I go from thinking that there is no way my kids are ready to be left alone while mom works to thinking Praise God I have trained them in such a way that I can trust them to be left alone.

I am sad, to the point of mourning that so suddenly my years with young kids are over. Which happens when the majority of your kids are the same age.

I absolutely love having built in babysitters for Bubbie and Nesiah.

All the parenting books say that it is good for moms to have other interests and focuses as their kids enter the teen years and I think it is true..

I give myself permission to stop this job if I get overwhelmed.

I hope to see this job become a fulltime position and an answer to my financial worries in the next 5 years.

God has always provided for us in every way.. sometimes it is through gifts from other people, sometimes it is through a very flexible job that allows me serve children and families from hard places.

I can not believe my oldest is going into high school and my youngest into kindergarten.  Where has time gone?

I remember the days when I would go months without ever being away from my children.The seasons when attachment issues made reentry miserable, so I just never took a break.

I appreciate the days when I can run out to meet a friend for coffee and leave the kids at home, alone, to finish up school or whatever tasks they are working on.

This post is all over the place but in reality so are my emotions. This is the end of a season, a season that I dearly loved and fully enjoyed.

Teenagers

Many years ago, when I had 2 foster kids ages 3-4, I got another sibling set ages 3-4. The first sibling set was available for adoption, which was so exciting for me. Then the caseworkers asked if I would be willing to consider adopting the other sibling set, should they come up for adoption. I said, no way! There was no way I could raise them, especially once they are teens. So no, I was not willing to adopt all 4.

Yet somehow, by the Grace of God, I was blessed by the adoption of all 4 kids, and now they are 12--13 yrs old and I love them dearly..


Deep down, I have always been afraid of raising teenagers. My own teen years were very turbulent. Suddenly I have 2 teens and 2 on the cusp of teendom.


I am getting a crash course on teenagers. It's not just one, but 4. When I have one figured out the other one jumps in with drama. Add in early childhood trauma, the "hard places" these kids have survived and we have interesting dynamics.

On a positive note, they are really really awesome kids. They are fun, loving, kind, sweet, hard working, respectful kids. I get many compliments on their respectful attitudes and their maturity.


I love having peace and calm, I like being in control of my life. Having this crew means,lots of chaos, lots of wild energy, lots of illogical drama, lots of silly laughter and lots of letting go.

I firmly believe in co parenting with God. God is the Father of the Fatherless. The only way I will survive the next 5-6 years is by HIS grace and mercy.  Recently he impressed on my heart that something was not right in my house. I spend a good bit of time in prayer, some electronic fasting, just seeking Him, trying to find answers.

He revealed the sin to me on Friday.  I did some praying. My initial reaction was to flip out, to completely cut off things, to shut down, to put my foot down.. but God.. My goal is to be a Holy Spirit Parent. I want to respond not react to my children.

So I waited and I prayed. God revealed His plan for me. See, one my kids had used to internet to search for things. Things that were not edifying or upbuilding.

So God led me to this website, it had great resources, for kids, for parents, and it showed people who had recovered from a lifetime of addiction and sin. It was great. I spend a couple hours, praying, seeking God and putting together a little "presentation".

I called a family meeting and presented my presentation. It was a really neat God experience, but reality is deep down in my soul, there is this fear. What if I mess up this thing called parenting, what if these kids who have only been with me for such a  short time, don't have enough of a foundation to withstand the temptations of the world?

I need to let go, I need to find the balance of losing the reins and pulling them back in when they need. This si HARD for me. So hard. I want to control and carefully build this sheltered world, where my children can only be ok. But.. they need to fail, they need to mess up, they need to feel the sting of sin in order to learn to stand strong.

Another one of my children is struggling, they don't like my rules, my boundaries and my parenting style. It has been a bit of a bumpy road lately. On Saturday, after the family meeting where I shared my presentation, I prayed and prayed. God help me lead these kids to you.

I had to run to pick up my Zaycon chicken, in town about 30 minutes away. So I asked my daughter to join me. She was not happy with me. But when we got in the van, the local christian talk radio station was on. I rarely have it on in the van. But it happened to be on, and the lady on the show was talking about relationships between girls and their families.  We listened for 20 minutes. AT the end I looked at my daughter and we both burst into laughter.  I told my daughter "That was from your daddy Jesus, just for you and I".  God cares about every moment of our lives. He speaks through many things.

I took a 2 mile walk with my walking buddy last night. I vented to her, she is an adoptive mom too. She understands my fears. I love that God has placed her in my life for such a time as this.


This morning, at church, the message was again a confirmation.  This was our conversation on the way home.
Son #2: Mom, Pastor A preached on the very thing you talked about yesterday!
Me: yup, God is trying to tell us something.
Son #1 Well, Pastor A did a much better job then you did mom!
Me: He is a Pastor, what do you expect?!
Both boys: His message wasn't nearly as embarrassing as your presentation!
Me: But he validated what I said, and that is all that matters.

I have spend a lot of time in the last week, praying, seeking God, asking him how to parent these kids. Surrending my will, knowing that I can not control their futures. I can not live in fear. They are truly good kids and they are fun to be around, I can not live in fear of losing this. I must trust that God holds them in his hand. I must let them live out the story that God has written for them, EVEN if that means they suffer pain and heartache.

This weekend I am reminded again, when I feel inadequate. When I am terrified of raising teens, when I have no clue how on earth I will parent these kids. That God is faithful, He is true and He is the pilot, I am merely along for the ride.

My Miracle Girl

This girl is rocking and rolling. She is making new friends, growing in many ways and doing so many new things.

We got this awesome stander right at Christmas time. She loves loves being upright and moving. This is the perfect piece of equipment for her.

It took a good bit of begging and pleading before the insurance company and the therapist agreed to fund it for us. But we got it accomplished. She rolls all around the house in this thing!

This past summer, I started praying for an ipad. I really felt like ti would be beneficial to Nesiah. I prayed and sought out different options. There was really no funding available anywhere. A $500 ipad was not in the budget.. Long story short, a friend from the past and her husband blessed us with this amazing ipad. free. completely free gift. It has been life changing for Nesiah.
It has improved her tracking and vision abilities. She loves to listen to music on it too. It also has helped her interact with people around her, because it is HER ipad, the kids have to play with it by her and with her. So it is a social interaction tool.

Nesiah loves worship music. She is learning to communicate. She has started demanding that I let her stand with me during worship time at church.
She lets us know when she is hungry, sad or wants a cuddle.  She loves to be in the kitchen with me when I am cooking etc.


For this season of life, God has blessed me with several great respite providers AND finally after several years of fighting,I have been approved for respite funding.  A young woman from our church comes once a week for 4 hrs, another lady comes when I need extra help on some days, and yet another friend loves to have Nesiah over to their house. She loves each of these caregivers and they are all people who truly enjoy her. I am able to attend youth events, church events and take my big kids out to do things I otherwise would not be able to.

Last but not least, I was just invited to take my daughters to a dance class on Sunday evenings. Not just any dance class.. but a dance class where the instructor is a dance THERAPIST! I am so excited to see how this will work for Nesiah. She loves music and I am sure she will love to dance!

The biggest health concern she currently has are her seizures. They seem to be hormone related, and cycle monthly. They are not fun for her and scary for us. We pray that she would soon outgrow them.

I love how God has provided each of the things Nesiah needs at just the right time! I love how He cares for every little detail of her life.

Ministering to Good Kids...

This is going to be a bit of a random post, with info that has been rolling around my brain for some time now. Thoughts I have mulled over and wrestled over for years.

Why is it that in christian circles so many people are willing to minister and serve the kids in the community, the unchurched kids, the teens in prisons, and the under privileged kids, but they are not willing to reach out to the churched, the good kids who are in need of role models?

Now, please don't misunderstand me. There is a huge need for all of the above. Those kids need so many strong role models and they NEED the church. But.. so often there are those within the church who are overlooked.

I have prayed for years and years for male role models for my kids. We had a great system for a 2 short years, but when we came to a crossroads, they went one way, we went another. That was really devastating for my children and has left them with more issues.


So I decided a long time ago that fighting and begging for mentors is not the answer, I do not want to force anyone to spend time with my kids. My kids are sensitive to that. They don't like being a ministry project. They just really want grandpa/uncle like people, and I want them to have men in their lives they can learn from.

I have gone to great length to teach my kids all the typical dad things, I taught them to throw a ball, to play baseball, to climb trees, I wrestle with them, I teach them how to run a  farm, build things, fix things and just about everything a man can do. Thing is these skills are great, but now my daughters are learning my extremely independent nature and not seeing the value of good men. How will that impact them in the future?
I watch my friends' husbands and learn from them, I let things go that drive me crazy, because I am told dads do that kind of thing. I work hard at demanding respect from my children (and respecting them too).

I asked my girls the other day, what do you think it would be like to have a dad?  My girls informed me that girls don't need dads Only boys do... Now, I realize that this has been the way I have modeled life for them. I am thankful for new good friends who have strong dads who can model a good father daughter relationship! Because I obviously missed the boat on that one.

 So I have mulled over this for years.. why do people willingly make time to go into prisons, to minister at youth centers, to go into the inner cities, but no one can take the time to throw a ball with my sons (or the sons of all my single mom /widow/divorced friends)? ( I am not judging here, just observing)


I realized that our culture has made it a noble ministry to serve the unchurched and the unbeliever. However the single mom, ESPECIALLY the adoptive single mom, has chosen to parent these kids, so it's their problem. People think "well you shouldn't have adopted those kids if you can not provide everything for them". It is not a ministry, it's not as noble to go help the good christian kids who seem to have it all together. Taking off work to go serve at a facility is considered great, taking off work to work alongside a "good" young man seems not worth the bother.

My friend (also a single mom) and I had a conversation recently. She has 2 foster kiddoes, and she is ministering to 2 young girls from two seperate "good" families. She was struggling with the question of "do I release these girls and go back into foster care or do I not take more foster kids so I can continue to minister to these girls from "good" homes". It is a question that I have struggled with as well, so we had some interesting conversations. It is easy for me to become discontent when I am babysitting for a mom who just needs a break. It is easy for me to think that babysitting for kids from a troubled home is more noble. Why? I realized that my own attitude needs adjusting..

What many people don't realize is that  boys without involved male relatives see christian men as "out there", they feel unworthy of their time and attention. They are not learning what a good marriage looks like, and they are not learning how Godly men do life. They are not learning to identify with christian men.

What people don't realize is that girls in a home without a father or involved males relatives, need to find healthy male role models too.

It doesn't take special men, every day men can be heroes. It does not mean taking them out to do all kinds of wonderful fun things. Its the little things, the everyday things, the showing interest in them and their lives, the working alongside them, just everyday stuff.

We have been blessed over the past year, there have been several men in our lives who have stepped up. One is our neighbor, landlord, my friend's husband. He is a not one to fuss, or make a big deal, he just includes my boys when he takes his boys to do stuff. His quiet ways make an impact. He took them fishing, he got them to help him build a tree house, and he took them hunting.
Another is another neighbor, 2 men, whom my oldest son works with. They are teaching him how to do farm work, they are pulling in his interests and teaching, investing and working him. It's not any big deal stuff, it's little everyday things. He struggles to trust men, he doesn't like a fuss, but these 2 men have done much for him in the past several months in quiet, unassuming ways.  It has changed his personality for the good. It has been such a huge huge gift for him.
Today my second son was dropped off to help an older man, he was planning to work alongside this man. I asked this man to give him a chance, to work alongside him, to let him have that experience of working with a man. Of all my children, he needs this most. He struggles the most with wanting a man to look up to. I am beyond grateful that this man was willing to give him time this afternoon.

I have learned to ask for these things, tho it is hard for me. Time is valuable to people and very few people wish to sacrifice their time, they willingly give their money, but time is valuable.. often to valuable to be spend working alongside young men.  For that reason, I am thankful for the people who have taken time for my boys.

I am going to wrap this up with this.. if you happen to know a young man or woman who does not have a good strong father/grandpa relationship, take time to say hi, to talk to them, to reach out to them. Do not be offended if they rebuff you at first, often they struggle with knowing how to relate, but it is important that they learn. Their eternal future may be changed by your simple kindness.

Every Boy's Dream..

Last year, my boys were whining and complaining. Every other boy gets to go hunting with their dad. They were just poor boys who would never get to hunting. They would be damaged for life. There was just no hope for them. 😏

I told them to pray about it instead of feeling sorry for themselves.




See the thing is, they have pics of M (my late husband) in their bedroom. They have a pic of him at 13 with his first buck. M was an obsessive hunter. He was either enjoying hunting or counting days until the next hunting season. I really wanted my boys to enjoy hunting. This was a special connection for them. Tho they had never met M, his legacy lives on in them.


                                            
So the poor boys thought they were destined to life of never hunting.. which would probably require years of therapy. :) but God knows the desires of our hearts...

Last fall, their friend Mr. S offered take them hunting, but somehow I had dropped the ball and did not get them to their hunter safety course.  So they were quite unhappy. In the spring of 2017, I took my oldest 3 to get their hunter safety course done. 

Now the problem remained.. they wanted a crossbow.. They begged and pleaded, but mom refused.. So Aunt M and Uncle A came to the rescue. The bow made it's way all the way from Ohio, via some furniture delivery trucks. My boys were quite tickled that the delivery guy didn't bat an eye that two young, black men would pick up a bow send from the amish grandpa in Ohio. 

So Mr. S, our neighbor took the boys hunting. He took Lee out the first night. They went about 30 minutes away, spend an evening in the tree and didn't see a thing.
One rainy fall evening, Mr. S stopped by and asked if David wanted to hunting up on the hill behind our house.  It was a rainy afternoon.. They headed out, David's first hunting adventure. After only an hour in the tree, a nice 10 point buck, stepped out in front of the treestand. A quick shot and the deer leaped up, flipped over and ran off. They searched for the deer for hours and hours in the rain. Finally at dark they gave up.

The next morning, Mr. S, his son J, and my 4 oldest kids went tracking after this deer. They searched for about 30 minutes before finding the deer. David was so amazed, he could not believe that HE HAD SHOT A BUCK!

The boys wanted to mount the head, but that obviously was not in moms budget, so we googled how to do a skull mount. The boys have worked together as a team to skin the head and prep it for rotting away the brain etc..

It's the moments like this, when I know that God cares for the fatherless and he cares about every little detail.

Summer Fun

I am way on behind with my blogging. I really need to update from our summer fall! We have had so much fun in the past couple months! So many fun things that I need to document! :)

First there was the eclipse, then I took the girls to a Secret Keeper Girl Live Event. Meanwhile the boys got to hunting and Jeremiah shot a 10 point buck. I took the boys to see Nicky Cruz at a local fundraiser and a friend took the girls and I to a Chris Tomlin Concert! (We had floor seats, it was AWESOME!)

I will start by sharing some of our pictures from the eclipse. Thanks to a friend, who wanted me to pick up glasses for her,I was prepared with eclipse glasses. (prior to her asking me to do that I had no idea we needed glasses). We invited our friends to join us in watching the eclipse.

We watched the eclipse  coverage live on NASA for hours. 

The kids noticed the strange leaf patterns! This was really cool.
It was rather cloudy so we did not get to fully enjoy the eclipse. But it was a neat experience. 

This was our viewing deck! 

I took the girls to a Secret Keeper Girl Live Event. We left the boys and Abi with friends. First we stopped at Sweet Frog and ate entirely to much sugar and junk. 

Despite the looks on their faces, they had a lot fun.

My two beautiful daughters! I am so thankful I get to be their mother. WE have all done so much growing in the last year. I love seeing them become young ladies who love Jesus. 

Cape Cod..

In Sept a dear friend of ours, blessed us with a week of vacation at their timeshare in Cape Cod. Many years ago, M and I had gone to Cape Cod for a vacation and it was one of m favorite vacation spots.

We had such a relaxing, delightful week. We stayed in a small resort right on the beach. We had a tiny cottage next door to the indoor pool and the playground. The beach was only a short walk from our cottage. We made some incredible memories...