How do you celebrate your 11th wedding anniversary when your husband is no longer living? You can't ignore the day. Nobody really gets why you want to celebrate the day. So it's the anniversary of one of the most amazing days of your life, but there is no right way to celebrate it.
Life has moved on. God has blessed me abundantly. I am living a life I could never have dreamed of. My children are an amazing blessing in my life. They bring me joy and chaos. But it is possible to be lonely and alone in the midst of many people.
I struggle to find the balance. God has blessed me so much, I don't have anything to complain about. But my heart aches. The desire to curl up under a blanket with a good book and block out the world is overwhelming. The desire to dream for hours, remembering what was and no longer is..
But is kinda hard to do that with 6 little people who need attention.. because we all know that a closed bedroom door means a crisis must happen.
God is good all the time. For tonight, I will allow myself to think of what it would be like. To have him here with me. To go to bed and have his arms wrapped around me. To him rejoice with me over the victories in life. To have him hold me when life is hard. To have him pick up the pieces when I lose it. To have his strength beside me on this journey through life...
Tomorrow I will get up and resume normal life. I will soldier on. I will lean on Jesus when I get lonely. I will read his Love Letter that strengthens and encourages me. I will rely on Jesus for my strength. He does not fail me. He will never leave me.
I am also going to enjoy some massive banana splits, made with all the goodies the kids and I picked up today. These precious kids of mine, understand loss. They understand pain. We cry together and we heal together. Together tomorrow we will celebrate this special day. We will all miss this amazing man and talk about the what ifs.. Then we will tell our hearts to beat again.